Right here you will find some loves of my life, my eldest grandchildren and a 'significant other'!  From left to right : Eleigh (pronounced ELLIE) and next to her is her beau, Bobby. Colton is in the red ballcap, and on the far right is Dakota.  All good friends with one another, they have made so many wonderful memories through the years.  Watching them grow into these beautiful men and women fills my heart so full, sometimes I think it will burst! Each one so very special, and each one with qualities and talents that make me want to be just like them 'when I grow up!'

It is hard to imagine that I am now an 'older woman', not unlike the woman spoken of in Titus, and apparently I am supposed to be 'teaching the younger women' how to love their husbands and children, when frankly, I am 'still tryin' to figure out' how to love my OWN husband and children, all of whom are now old enough to tell ME what to do and how to do it!

It's exasperating at best trying to make the transition from mothering to just 'being friends' when all the while I find myself wanting to 'fix' things that my older age and experience have taught me can only get worse if the issues aren't dealt with in a timely manner.  Any of y'all know what I'm talkin' about?  Well, good, because I just CANNOT be the only one in this category!

On the other hand, I see how my own daughters step up to the plate with much more maturity and grace then I ever could have under the same circumstances, and I am humbled as I see them meet their own specific challenges without whining or complaining.  They just DO IT!

This week, my husband of 44 years has officially retired.  Having worked since he was 15 years old, I'd say it's about time !  His work has taken him from roofing and working in a meat packing plant in his twenties, to trucking,  and working the oil fields of Alaska in his thirties and forties, to aircraft in his fifities till now.  His extreme sense of responsibility and his ability to do manual labor without EVER complaining made him an asset no matter what company he worked for, and even more, his ability to stand his ground in the face of opposition endeared him to those with lesser constitutions and to the underdog who could not speak up for him/herself.

These fine qualities are the very ones that make life difficult at times, and the truth be told, all the time, and even after all of these years together, I am 'still tryin' to figure it out' how to understand him and learn better ways of communicating , without relying on my grit and determination that only seem to drive him further away then bring him close. 

I hate games.  I am NOT  a game-player, and so much  of what is required to 'get along' seems like manipulation and phoniness to me, when it's quite possibly my own pride that has gotten in the way of approaching him with more gentleness than coming across with outright declarations and demands. To be fair, though, this fella is a stoic John Wayne type, and after so many times of being told to 'get to the point' , forgoing all of my hand gestures and in-depth explanations felt like I wasn't even being true to who I was as a person!  So, quite naturally, he not wanting to hear any more than what was necessary (to him!) and me not getting to express my heart on matters has led to alot of misunderstandings through the years.  Years where we were both overworked and living under much stress made it that much more difficult to give each other the kind of time it would take to come to a place of understanding and compromise .  It was much easier to avoid each other and just 'do our own thing' , whatever it took to get through a certain situation.  We became exactly what I have said I am not...game players...becoming masters at presenting ourselves as happy and together people when in public, yet  fleeing to our corners as soon as we would hit the door at home,  him escaping into the TV, and me, finding escape in books, music and the internet.

Fast forward to now...retirement...and you can only imagine the fears that are lurking below the surface as we BOTH perch on the precipice of a brand new adventure that by rights, could just go either way.  With so many unspoken feelings and dreams between us, only God Himself will be able to help us breach this wall that was erected so many years ago, a wall built to help us cope at the time, but that now divides us heart, body and soul.

I have decided to share this journey with you, not only as a means of introspection and therapy for myself, but, selfishly, in hopes that there might be somebody out there who understands 'from whence I speak' and who has been able to rise above their own obstacles to reach a place where ' two have become one again'.
 I truly AM a woman of faith, and even though I have clutched tightly to the Savior's hand throughout these years, I see now that it's quite possible I have asked the wrong questions and/or sought the wrong solutions in my quest to stand in the face of adversity.  Hindsight is always 20/20, and yet I know better than to lean on my own understanding, but "in all of my ways to acknowledge Him , and He will direct my paths." Proverbs 3:5 & 6.
 So, though I feel (the operative word 'feel') like I have made a world of mistakes, I cannot discount the fact that I have fleshed out this walk of faith with fear and trembling, as well as with anger and rebellion, heartache as well as utter joy...taking 'two steps forward and three steps back' as Charles Swindoll has always said. The enemy would have me limp along , believing there is absolutely no hope for me OR my circumstances, but the reality of the Christian life is one of VICTORY and HOPE and ENCOURAGEMENT, enough to catapult us up and over the very obstacles that drive us to our knees and, I'm afraid, at times, to our own devices when frustration , like a tidal wave, forces us to give in to the lies of discouragement, self-hatred and hopelessness.

It is my hope and my prayer that by December of 2017 my writings will prove out the ability of God to transform a relationship that has been perilously close to a permanent end, to one where each of us have been redeemed in the eyes of one another, as well as bringing glory to God in the process.  With that , I close my first entry, and look forward with anticipation to the blessings that are in store for both my husband and myself, believing God is getting ready to do a 'brand new thing that I know not of'. Isaiah 43:19.  Anyone want to join me?